Struggling

Originally Published April 14, 2012

I am struggling.  

There, I said it.  Now you know.

The past few weeks have seen me yo-yo-ing all over the place with food.  I have made more poor food choices in the past month than I did during the time I was in transition and then the short time that I was off program completely.

I have spent a lot of time in my head trying to work through the what, why, how of my behavior...as I have spent the past few months figuring out why my zeal for the program is not what it was a few months ago.

I've come to a few conclusions and decisions.

First, when I started this program at the end of August, I was fresh out of my marriage and starting to spread my wings and figure out what was next.  There was a lot of hurt, anger and buckets full of determination to put myself back together again.  Piles of motivation and armfuls of encouragement were all around me.  Add to that the goal of showing up to the court date a different person...  Well, you get the picture.

Second, I've come out on the other side of that experience.  I pulled myself up by my bootstraps in every conceivable way and have moved forward with confidence and have all of the things going on in my life that I want.

Finally, with all of this great progress, there is a lot of overwhelming thoughts and experiences.  And, my plate is wobbling and overflowing with life.  This is good.  No, it's fantastic!  But, it's really a challenge to keep it all together.

I'm kicking butt in grad school, I'm doing great with my friends, my family thinks I'm amazing, I've been dating someone who appreciates and understands ME..but this taking care of myself, my health, and staying active...it has fallen far to the wayside.

It isn't off the radar, it's just in the gutter.  Sometimes the wind blows it into the center lane...but it quickly gets passed by a looming deadline, papers to grade, a get-together with friends, a date with that handsome man and lately, the final project for the semester.

As I near the completion of this project and look forward to the last weeks of the school year, a summer of some rest and probably lots of homework and then whatever is ahead, I know that I need to grab control of things and get down to the brass tacks.

I've cleaned out the house of any remnant of poor food choices, meals for tomorrow are prepared, my next order is shipping in a few days.

I've dusted off the hoops and hand weights and have my clothes ready for the gym.

I can do this!