Struggling

Originally Published April 14, 2012

I am struggling.  

There, I said it.  Now you know.

The past few weeks have seen me yo-yo-ing all over the place with food.  I have made more poor food choices in the past month than I did during the time I was in transition and then the short time that I was off program completely.

I have spent a lot of time in my head trying to work through the what, why, how of my behavior...as I have spent the past few months figuring out why my zeal for the program is not what it was a few months ago.

I've come to a few conclusions and decisions.

First, when I started this program at the end of August, I was fresh out of my marriage and starting to spread my wings and figure out what was next.  There was a lot of hurt, anger and buckets full of determination to put myself back together again.  Piles of motivation and armfuls of encouragement were all around me.  Add to that the goal of showing up to the court date a different person...  Well, you get the picture.

Second, I've come out on the other side of that experience.  I pulled myself up by my bootstraps in every conceivable way and have moved forward with confidence and have all of the things going on in my life that I want.

Finally, with all of this great progress, there is a lot of overwhelming thoughts and experiences.  And, my plate is wobbling and overflowing with life.  This is good.  No, it's fantastic!  But, it's really a challenge to keep it all together.

I'm kicking butt in grad school, I'm doing great with my friends, my family thinks I'm amazing, I've been dating someone who appreciates and understands ME..but this taking care of myself, my health, and staying active...it has fallen far to the wayside.

It isn't off the radar, it's just in the gutter.  Sometimes the wind blows it into the center lane...but it quickly gets passed by a looming deadline, papers to grade, a get-together with friends, a date with that handsome man and lately, the final project for the semester.

As I near the completion of this project and look forward to the last weeks of the school year, a summer of some rest and probably lots of homework and then whatever is ahead, I know that I need to grab control of things and get down to the brass tacks.

I've cleaned out the house of any remnant of poor food choices, meals for tomorrow are prepared, my next order is shipping in a few days.

I've dusted off the hoops and hand weights and have my clothes ready for the gym.

I can do this!

Bubbly

Originally Published January 4, 2012


Oh, what a day this has been.

I woke up early to be sure that I was properly coiffed and polished for my court appointment.  

I walked in and Michael wasn't there yet.  My friend Karen was with me and we had some light conversation while we waited for things to get rolling.  When Michael finally showed up, a load of weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

The man who told everyone he could that I couldn't take care of my health and my weight showed up having gained weight - and still a smoker.  He looked horrible.  

Not that I wanted to stick it to him, but it really felt good to show up feeling great and looking fabulous after everything he had put me through.  And that he was in worse shape than when I last saw him - well, I've heard a thing or two about karma.

The whole process just boosted my confidence, as I sat and listened to the court commissioner read through our paperwork and list off assets and debts.  While we are each leaving with what we came into the marriage with, that leaves me with my retirement accounts and student loans - and Michael with his car loan.  No savings.  No retirement.  Just a new job that is paying less than he was making in his last permanent position.

I knew in August that I was in a better situation as far as finances and being able to take care of myself.  However, hearing it all out loud - from the mouth of a stranger with just the facts in front of him - well, it really said a lot about the whole situation.  It made me look at myself in a different light.

I bring a lot to the table.  I brought a lot to the table in my marriage.  I left with all of those things - and more.  I've regained my confidence, my health, my life and my sense of direction and purpose.

Was today a day I've been dreading for months?  YES!  Without a doubt.  There was a lot of anxiety and self-doubt leading up to this morning.

Did I end the day feeling stronger than ever?  ABSOLUTELY!

Am I ready to go to bed and start fresh tomorrow?  Yes...well, maybe that's just the bottle of Taittinger talking!

The picture: Flowers from friends, the great bicycle print we found while enjoying some retail therapy this afternoon, an empty bottle of Taittinger...I just cleared the last glass.  Oh, water!!!

Anxiety

Originally Published January 3, 2012


For over four months I've been a dedicated Medifaster who has stuck to the plan, chugged my water, and gotten out on a regular basis to get some exercise.  I have avoided temptations of all varieties...I think the hardest was the first few times I was anywhere within smelling distance of pizza.

A lot of this has to do with planning and environment.  I plan my meals for the week when I'm working (currently on winter break from teaching) and live alone.  I do still eat out - at first I limited it to once a week.  Now, I'm a little more flexible - but still plan and have control of my home environment.  And, if I'm feeling like I can't handle temptation, I keep my act at home and refocus.

Today, this is saving my shrinking backside.

If I were out and about right now, I can tell you exactly where I'd be and what I'd be doing...  I would be on my way to the nearest store that sells the delicious cupcakes that I love with that frosting that's whipped into submission to the point that you can't even detect a grain of sugar because it is so smooth and buttery.  I would be eating that cupcake...or maybe even a little cake (more frosting that way).  

I am having the anxiety attack of my life here and sticking to the plan is what is keeping me in the house, will have me in bed at a decent hour, is sending me to the living room to hula hoop with my weighted hoop and to the kitchen to refill the Camelbak water bottle that has saved me from many a near-accidents.  

Tomorrow morning is my court date to finalize the divorce.  I haven't seen the wasband since mid-September.  I don't want to see him.  I don't want to talk to him.  I have nothing left to say.

My outfit is picked out, ironed and ready to go.  The coffee maker is ready to go for the morning cuppa.  My ride (a friend who has graciously volunteered to go with me to court and then to hit our favorite spot for brunch and cocktails) is confirmed and we've a list of "talking points" to keep me distracted while we wait.

I'm ready.  I'm ready for this to be over and to officially move on.  I'm ready to know that this chapter is closed.  I'm ready to have my name back.

I am ready.

And, to my dear Medifast friends who have been with my since shortly after this chapter of my life took a very bumpy ride and delivered me on the road to regaining myself - THANK YOU!  You have had my back, had the right words when I needed them and have been full of reassurance.  THANK YOU!  You have saved me, as well.

Hugs, love and wishes for everyone to have a brilliant new beginning in this beautiful new year.

Dealing With the Emotions

Originally Published September 18, 2011

***This began as a response to some posts on the "September Starters 2011" thread.  I think it's appropriate to share, as we're all dealing with some of this.

Oh, friends...

We are all wading our way through this and I think we all need to take a minute and realize how awesome of a decision we have made. We have committed to follow this path and find our way to a healthy weight. I hope we all get to the goal line of this journey.

While we're all dealing with different issues and ended up here for different reasons, it sounds like there are many commonalities and that we're at or close to the same point in our journey is wonderful.

Emotional eating. Oh my. Yes! Sure am. Hand is in the air. That's me.

However, I promised myself that I wouldn't let that get me and I meant it.

A friend referred to this as my "divorce diet" yesterday and I told her, "Yes. True. But, I'm in this for the long haul." She was super excited for me. I'm not just doing this because I'm going through a divorce (If I weren't doing this, I'd be eating my way through the ice cream section of every grocery store in town, thank you Ben & Jerry!). I'm doing this because I DESERVE BETTER!

And so do the rest of you. We all do.

One of the things I do when I'm craving something, or have that urge (though there really haven't been many...yet) is to drink my water. I'm in the 20 cups a day ballpark. I get about 11 in before I come home from school. And, now that I'm looking at the bottle I use (my green 750 ml Camelbak), it's more than 3 cups per bottle. But, I count 3. I'm drinking so much water that when I'm not eating something, I'm usually full - of water!

I'm experimenting with different vegetables and I'm having so much fun. It's easy to get in a rut - and I certainly do, but I try to do something different each time if I am repeating veggies. I love cooking, so this is my outlet for that. Because soaking oatmeal and chili and adding some zip to them is NOT cooking.

As I head into a new week, I am focused on making everyday an on program day, drinking LOTS of water and treating myself and my body with respect. I wish the same for all of you.

*** 

I needed to come back, because I didn't get to everything that was in my head when responding just...a few minutes ago.

There's a lot that we're working on.  Part of that is our emotions.  Yes.

For me, this is an obvious thing - because I'm going through a major life-changing event.  Granted, it's one that will take a few months to see it's resolution.  But, the past six weeks have been one crazy ride for me.  I won't bore you with the details (see more of my blog if you're interested - you may find a thing or two that could help you, or at least let you know you are not alone on this journey), but I have been digging through my emotions for a bit, now.

Right now, there's no way I could get through even one hour of this program without facing my emotions.  I am making very conscious choices throughout the day, everyday.

It would be REALLY EASY for me to have moved forward from the night my husband told me he wanted a divorce and spent the next few months trying to make myself feel better with cheesecake, pizza, ice cream...frozen custard (if you've never had it - it's amazing, but not something any of us need to be thinking about).  I could have done that, sure.  But, I'd be MORE unhealthy, MORE fat, MORE unhappy, MORE stuck in an unhealthy relationship - with food!

Every day I do things that will make my life better.  Whether it's making my bed as soon as I wake up, doing the dishes when I'm done eating or making my shake, planning my meals, sticking to the list at the grocery store, saying "No, thank you." when offered pizza on three separate occasions this week, telling my friends what I need from them - in regards to support as I go through the divorce and in spending time together and what my choices regarding food will include, telling my parents what I need as far as more or less contact and face-time. 

If I've learned anything (and I'm at the very beginning of all of this), it is that I need to take care of myself.  Oh, yeah...sounds obvious, easy and like it's a given.  Well, that includes a lot more than we think.  I need to advocate for myself.  I need to ask for help.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I need to ASK FOR HELP.  I bet you do, too.

Last weekend - well, a few days before, but who's marking the calendar? - I had a cathartic experience.  I finally hit the point where I was able to talk about the divorce (see blog about putting everything on the table). My family and friends had/still have lots of questions for me.  But, I was able to open up, let people know where I'm at with everything.  Whether it's dealing with the divorce or the food, the people around me need to know what I'm dealing with - how I feel, what my food plan looks like, what a Lean & Green is, what my food looks like, how much I'm willing to share - if they are going to be able to help me through these simultaneous journeys that I am on. 

I did put everything on the table last week.  And, I'm continuing to do so everyday.  I'm continuing to work towards a healthier and happier Jennifer.  If I don't, who will?  And, as much work as this is for me, I have asked the people in my life to help me.  I have even asked my students to stop offering me candy, birthday cupcakes, etc.  They know I love them. They know I'll be happy to celebrate with them - with my bottle of water or a piece of sugar-free gum.

Don't be afraid to include the people around you in your journey.  Whatever it is you're dealing with, it's not just about the food.  We need to take stock of where we are and plan to make everyday better.

If I can, you can.

Now, let's do this!

Putting It All On the Table

I've shared with a few friends and family that I am doing Medifast.  So, socially, it's been easy (so far) to control my food in social situations.  

Of course, everyone has lots of questions...what can you eat? what do you eat? when do you eat? you drink how much water a day?  I answer everything and know that by putting it all out there, that I'm setting up for a successful weight loss journey.  The people around me will understand my choices and my needs, and being out and about will continue getting easier as I move through this plan.

Last night, two of my best friends were over for dinner and hours of conversation.  We talked about back-to-school issues, family things, personal things, EVERYTHING.  It was one of the best nights I've had in a while.

Over the course of the past week, having all of this time that I'm not cooking, and all this time alone in my house, I've come to the point where I can share my thoughts and feelings about my divorce (in process).  

I spent the first month of this change in my life focusing on getting logistical matters taken care of - closing the mutual bank account, taking his name off of in-case-of-emergency paperwork, changing who has access to my medical information, finding a new place to live, moving, settling in, and starting to focus on me - again.  

Those first weeks flew by and everyone kept commenting on how strong and amazing I was with how I had been handling the loss of my marriage.

Well, the tide changed somewhere in the past ten days.  The anger that had been occasionally rearing its ugly head for brief appearance had dropped its bags in my house and was staying until I did something about it.

I've had a few opportunities in the past week to spend time with friends and family, and share a little bit - or a lot - of what's going through my head, what the past few months were like, and putting all of my feelings, fears and beliefs on the table.

It was scary to start these conversations, but it's easier moving forward having shared what I'm dealing with and what challenges may be ahead of me.

It doesn't matter whether it's a struggle with a relationship or food, having it all out on the table with the people around you makes the detour to your path much smoother.

30 Days of Gratitude

A few years ago, a friend who was going through some tough times starting a regular post on facebook - 30 Days of Gratitude.  

Every day she would post three things she was grateful for.  This was an opportunity for her to focus on the positive things in her life as she recovered from a heart-breaking loss.  

I don't think she knew the impact this would have on the people in her world - or the people in our worlds.

Within a week, I started doing the same.  I did it for three consecutive months.  And I never repeated a thing on my list of what I was grateful for.

You've got it - one month = ninety things I was grateful for...three months = two-hundred and seventy.  Wow!  That's a whole lot of gratitude.

Along my journey with the gratitude posts, friends of mine would start up their own, I'd get messages asking how to do it, and I had the pleasure of seeing the people around me take on the task of finding the things they're grateful for.

I had taken on the gratitude posts three times since my initial ninety days, when a friend reached out - on facebook, of course - and suggested that I do it again, because I "always seemed so happy and positive" when I was doing this.

That was two days after my husband asked for a divorce.

So, immediately after "hearing" my friend's words, I started another 30 Days of Gratitude.

It started with...

30 Days of Grateful, Day #1: 1. Amazing, nurturing, supportive parents 2. The best friends on the planet 3. Adorable, funny, charming, delightful little cousins who loved the hummus, cleaned the inside of my car, and most importantly, reminded me of how much love and happiness is overflowing in my life. To all of you, THANK YOU!!! ♥

And ended with...

‎30 Days of Gratitude, Day #30: 1. A friend who knows when to show up. 2. Not just having to turn off the air - but having to close all the windows 3 hours later and put an extra quilt on the bed. 3. A good book to read - and another waiting. when I'm done.

And in between this, so many other great things happened in my life.

I had found a new place to call home, packed up my apartment, moved into a beautiful new flat - this was all within a week!, unpacked, settled in, continued through the beginning of a new school year, celebrated the birthday of one of the delightful little cousins, had friends and family for dinner, attended festivals, moved on, LIVED - and somewhere in there, started a new journey of getting back to the things that make me ME.  And great things are continuing to happen in my life, everyday.

We all have so much to be grateful for.

What would your 30 Days of Gratitude look like?

The Road Ahead

Okay, I'll admit it - the past month has been one big fat, anger breeding, stress-filled, anxiety producing, doubt dwelling month. Yep, it was. And a whole lot of it really stunk.

And, you know what? That's all the crap that's been in my head.

Why? Because the anger breeding, stress-filled, anxiety producing, doubt dwelling is really what was happening for the two years preceding this past month. Now, there's an admission.

These past few weeks I have had a lot of time to myself - A LOT - to ponder decisions I've made, how I've reacted to others, how I've let others react to me, how I've been treated, how I treated others - okay...enough with the "others!" We all know I'm talking about the person who was my "other" half. Anyhow, a lot of time has been spent reeling through the past two years.

I've come to this conclusion...the same conclusion I came to a month ago...I did everything right. I did. As a wife, as a partner, as a contributing member of our family unit, I did everything right. Except one thing. I didn't take care of myself.

I'm not too far worse off than I was before the relationship began. At that time, I was recovering from a severe ankle/foot sprain that included nerve damage to my foot. It ended what had started to be a great summer of cycling. It threw me off course.

No, the injury didn't throw me into a relationship that would take me off course - but it sure was the start of a maze-like detour for me.

Now, after recovering from that injury, a serious car accident, a spinal surgery, a marriage and now a pending divorce, I am finally finding my way back to my path - again.

Sure there have been other detours. And each time, I enjoy the scenery along the way - just as I do when I'm driving or riding my bike. I learn a few things, maybe get a few scrapes and bruises. But, I come out on the other side stronger, wiser, and more capable of handling things than I was before.

So, here I am - recovering from those scrapes and bruises, picking up the pieces, and moving forward. I'm leaving all of the anger, stress, anxiety and doubt on that detour and bringing that invigorated dose of strength and wisdom with me.

We never know what the future will bring into our lives. I don't know what lies ahead - but I know it will be wonderful.

My journey here is just the beginning, but this will be wonderful, too. I'm so happy to have you along to enjoy this journey.

Let's go great places!