Yes, I have been very successful with my Medifast journey. Yes, my statistics on the program are pretty incredible. Yes, I'm running and working out and doing the things I set out to do when I started this adventure. Yes, I feel a million times better about myself, my health and my future than I did when I started.
These are all great and amazing things to be able to say. I am grateful beyond words.
However, my brain and eyes have not caught up with this.
Sure, there are days when I see myself in the mirror and think, "Hey, there...you're doing awfully great, missy!" There are days that I'm in the shower thinking, "When did you get cheekbones?" or "When did your calves stop looking like your father's?" There are mornings when I'm doing my makeup and wonder "When did your eyes appear?" or "Where did that pesky double chin go?"
Yep...those days and moments are around.
But, I see friends and here them constantly compliment my progress and the state of my physical being (which I am really starting to grow comfortable with and am able to say "thank you" without getting the shakes) and I wonder what they see. Really.
This morning I was having breakfast with one of my best friends. She lost over 70 lbs. a few years ago so knows a thing or two about what I'm dealing with. I said this to her when the conversation turned to my progress and where I am in the program: "I don't know what you see when you look at me. I don't know what the guys at the next table see when they look at me. But, I know, that what I see isn't always what everyone else sees. There are days that I think the scale is wrong. There are days when I think that I'm getting bigger in the hips and thighs that I know I am."
I then went on to explain that last week I went through my ENTIRE wardrobe of clothes - from what I knew was too big to what I thought would be a size too small (I inherited this friend's clothes going down another size or so from where I am today). This includes all of my athletic clothing (running, biking, swimming), all seasons of clothes, underwear, bras, shoes, pants, dresses, skirts...EVERYTHING! I've done this about three times so far on my journey (at LEAST three times). This time, I had to move the majority of things to the donate bins in the spare bedroom...including some of my favorite bike jerseys, Jones New York dresses (sigh...), fabulous shoes...lots of stuff is out of the closet. I even discovered that EVERY pair of running shorts I own are too big. TOO BIG?!?!? Yes, too big! I haven't been wearing them because I live in Wisconsin, I run outside, and I don't think blue legs are a good thing. Even the fabulous Adidas shorts that I bought during my last round of weight loss when I got down to about 205 (just over 20 pounds from where I am now)...and they were too snug to even think about wearing then. They are too big!
Yesterday, I was having a little fit of self-doubt and my brain was playing evil games with me. So, I pulled out those Adidas shorts - and yes, they are still too big.
So, the scale must be telling the truth. My body must be slimmer than what I'm seeing.
Somehow, I've got to get my brain to catch up with the rest of me. I'm hoping that some time away (my trip to Austin is in just over a week) and other changes happening this week will help free my mind from some of the other things occupying it's time and space.
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